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Mental health rapidly deteriorating

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2021.10.22 01:24 KaleidoscopeThink482 Mental health rapidly deteriorating

I just need a listening ear. Im not at a very good place mentally. I need to know if im just a selfish weak person.
I've posted on this sub a few times now and it is great to know im not alone. But still i feel like such a horrible person all the time.
I'll TRY to make a long story short. Im 25, I've been caretaking for my mom who was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer since i was 21. If you want the whole shebang here is a previous post i made: https://www.reddit.com/CaregiverSupport/comments/nc07ry/feel_incredibly_guilty_for_how_i_feel/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Didn't go to college because my family has always been a bit demanding and needy. No job, have never really dated. Have great friends but they're all out there living life.
My adult life is caregiving and caregiving only. Im the youngest of 8 kids. 4 siblings are estranged from my parents and offer no help, my eldest sibling believes its the duty of the youngest to do EVERYTHING alone and my other sister who has 5 kids expects me to also help her with her kids fulltime.
My dad works so he can only help with my mom on the weekends and even then, he tries his best to do the bare minimum. Between my mom and sister, i haven't had a moment to exist since the pandemic. I feel like a robot on autopilot, until its finally midnight and no one needs me anymore. Then i feel chillingly alone and the dark depression seeps in. I realize everyone "needs" me but no one "wants me". If i died tomorrow, everyone would wonder who will take care of everything but thats probably the only thing they'd miss. Sometimes i lay in bed weaping, just wishing i had someone to ask me if i was ok or if i needed a hug in the way i do all day for my family. And i feel so disgustingly selfish and like a terribly spolied person for wanting to be wanted or god forbid, noticed. I exist to serve and thats the extent of my relationship with my family.
My mom has always preferred my sisters over me and even though i am the one who cares enough to give up everything to care for her, she spends all day laying in bed talking to them on the phone about how much she loves them and how perfect they are. The only time she speaks to me is of course to ask me to do something for her or when she needs something from me. Before the pandemic i did have a little part time job that i was proud of which afforded me a tiny bit of a life for myself.
To make matters worse, my dad went in for screening for prostate cancer this week and his Dr found something abnormal and ordered a biopsy. I dont at all understand what happens during prostate screening but whatever they did left my dad very sore. He told me he wouldn't be able to do much but lay down for the week and that I'll need to take care of him too. My sister just had a baby this year so when i go over to help her, i take care of the kids, somedays for 8 hrs, sometimes 12 hrs as she has bad anxiety and is susceptible to post partum depression. So this week I've cared for my mom, my dad, my sister and her 5 kids. I feel evil and selfish for wondering if I'll ever get help if it does end up being prostate cancer. I keep thinking "what will happen to me? When will anyone care? When will anyone help me?" And i instantly hate myself for thinking so selfishly when im not the one suffering.
My thinking has gone to a very dark place these last few months and with my dad now experiencing health problem, my mental health has only gotten worse. I find myself dealing with intrusive thoughts about driving my car off a bridge or wanting to do something wreckless like drink a bunch of alcohol until im so sick, no one will be able to ask me for help. I instantly hate myself for all the thoughts that run through my head. Im just so empty. How do i do it all? I really just want to feel loved and wanted for more than just the favors i do but apparently that life hasn't chosen me and i dont know how to cope with the cards I've been dealt. I feel like if i at least had a decent close relationship with my family and felt wanted, i would be ok mentally. Im in an online therapy program and when im able to attend its a godsend. But of course, im often too busy and end up canceling many sessions in a row because i cant even get an hour a week to myself sometimes. I hate myself for struggling. Im supposed to selflessly care for my family and be strong enough to get through it. But i feel like im losing myself.
submitted by KaleidoscopeThink482 to CaregiverSupport [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 tyty51404 [USA-CA] [H] Paypal, Local Cash [W] FormD T1 (Black)

Looking for a FormD T1, preferably black. Local is 95054.
Please comment then PM. Let's work out out a deal!
submitted by tyty51404 to hardwareswap [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 Commercial_Two488 This is what happen when you use only ak117 in BR from S1 to S8 straight cuz the whole 8 month it's the 1# meta, AK47 comes in after gunsmith drop

This is what happen when you use only ak117 in BR from S1 to S8 straight cuz the whole 8 month it's the 1# meta, AK47 comes in after gunsmith drop submitted by Commercial_Two488 to CallOfDutyMobile [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 yepimheree We took a break and my heart is breaking

So my BS asked for a break of one month. She said that its just something she needs to get her head together and its not a breakup and then jokingly said that I am not allowed to sleep with anyone else. She seemed very sad but she really wanted to do this. Maybe she needs it as we have been together since my cheating fiasco. Maybe this break will do us good. And yet I cant bring myself to be hopeful. I mean she does have a return ticket purchased so she is planning to come back. Its a good thing, right?
When I dropped her at the airport she did hug me and kept looking back at me till she was in viewing range, so its a good signal too I hope. And I stayed for half an hour after her flight had departed just hoping that she will come back, like its some movie. But its a mess of my own creation and now I have to deal with the consequences. Coming back, the 40 minutes drive was the longest one I ever made. Just sitting in the car alone, passenger seat empty, all because I decided to be selfish. When I reached home I spent some time in the parking, I was scared of coming into an empty home. Its crazy, we have 4 bedrooms and tons of furniture, 2 TVs, ACs, fridge etc. But take out the soul of the house and it might be a junkyard, which my house resembles right now. Right now I am cuddling the blanket and pillows she was using in the night, it still smells like her. In some hours the smell will be gone too and I will be all alone with my lying, cheating and disgusting self.
If any random person is reading this then please for the love of everything you hold dear, dont cheat on your loved one. And to the WS whose BS is with them right now, please cherish them every moment of every day. And to the BS, thank you for giving a chance to us WS even though we dont really deserve it.
And to my BS- I will be waiting. Take your time, but please come back to me when you are ready. And in the meantime before Diwali I will deep clean every nook and cranny of the house.
submitted by yepimheree to AsOneAfterInfidelity [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 DaBobcat How can I create a loss function that will push the actual NN weights to move?

I'm trying to create a loss function that takes the actual weight values into account:

loss = 1 - torch.mean(torch.tensor([torch.sum(w_arr) for w_arr in net.parameters()])) 
Where "net" is just a simple FC network with any number of layers.
But I'm getting an error:
RuntimeError: element 0 of tensors does not require grad and does not have a grad_fn 
The goal here is to get each weight's value closest to 1 (or any other value) as possible.
submitted by DaBobcat to MLQuestions [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 finkish Darkrai raid pls be online

Adding first ten 0825 9661 8541 and 3153 8734 8166
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2021.10.22 01:24 AlexClann SL Actors Idling During Scene?

Currently in the middle of rebuilding my load order and noticed that my Sexlab actors were idling during scenes. I've taken the (likely controversial) route of using only Nemesis for Sexlab Animations.
I was somewhat under the impression that Nemesis could run all Sexlab-based animations as long as there were no creatures involved. Is this not the case and I'm just stupid?
Modwatch: https://modwat.chAlexanderClan
Process of testing: *using Vortex* >Installed Nemesis >Installed Sexlab and prerequisites >Installed Animation Loader >Installed SLAL Packs >Ran LOOT >Ran Nemesis >Launched game via SKSE >New game >Installed Sexlab in game >Enabled Animations via Anim. Loader >Registered Animations via Anim. Loader >Played any Sexlab Scene >Notification says playing animation name >Character(s) strip and stand prepped to begin scene >Sounds play and SLSO Widget pops up >No actual animation plays
What on earth am I doing wrong?
submitted by AlexClann to skyrimmods [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 snappleshack Labour Weekend Gig Guide

I'm back at it just in time for labour weekend!
The highlight of the weekend is the Christchurch Big Band Festival, running until Monday around the city.
Make sure to book or grab tickets to things you really want to go to cause level 2 means things

Friday, 22nd October
6pm Lauren Marshall @ Eruption Brewing
7pm A Rolling Stone Gathers Big Bands @ A Rolling Stone
7pm Friday Night Food Trucks with Swing Dance @ Cathedral Square
7:30 Stephanie McEwin Live @ LEVEL ONE Craft Beer and Coffee Bar
8pm Andy Genge @ 12 Bar
8:30 [James Hunter | The Almost Summer Tour // Christchurch](https://www.facebook.com/events/819815508681871\) @ Wunderbar Lyttelton
10pm The Shameless Few Live @ The Bog

Saturday 23rd October
11am Saturday Big Bands @ Victoria Square
11am The Art of Big Band @ Christchurch Art Gallery Te Puna o Waiwhetū
3:30 Saturday Big Bands @ Fat Eddie's
8pm Lowdown Unplugged @ 12 Bar
8pm darryl baser and Daniel Madill together and alone @ Wunderbar Lyttelton
8pm Michael Houstoun - Rodger Fox Big Band with Erna Ferry @ The Piano: Centre for Music and the Arts
8:45 ISOLDE BAND @ The Carlton
9pm ROOF DOOF TOO - Ferby feat. So Queasy, Junus Orca & Toyota @ Christchurch Arts Centre
9:30 Festival Jam Session @ Little Andromeda

Sunday 24th October
11am Sunday Big Bands @ Victoria Square
11:30 Sunday Big Bands @ Riverside Market
12pm The Sunday Art of Jazz @ Christchurch Art Gallery Te Puna o Waiwhetū
4pm Elly & Friends with Kyle Andales & Matthew Orlowski @ The Bog Irish Bar Christchurch
4pm Big Band Jazz @ Fat Eddie's
8pm Layaround, Lafayette Hudson, Too Woke For Toast & Papa Odyssey @ darkroom
8:30 Time To Bide Album Release Tour @ Space Academy
10pm GLXY (UK) - CHCH @ Hide

Monday 25th October
1pm Phat Finale @ Fat Eddie's
submitted by snappleshack to chch [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 Define_Power Anyone know if there’s a shirt with the song symbols anywhere out there?

I doesn’t have to official, it could be fan made since I have a friend that lives starset as well but he wishes that there was a shirt that had the song symbols on them
submitted by Define_Power to Starset [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 invisibledeoderant Disregard Hooman. Live Chimp Life.

Disregard Hooman. Live Chimp Life. submitted by invisibledeoderant to ape [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 ovrprotectiveunicorn 2meirl42meirl4meirl

2meirl42meirl4meirl submitted by ovrprotectiveunicorn to 2meirl42meirl4meirl [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 InspectionMajor3743 With Werner Injured and Richarlison returning from Injury do we think he plays vs Watford? Should I pick up Richi in free agents? Or keep Werner and hope he’s back soon. 8ML

View Poll
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2021.10.22 01:24 hullopalooza It's over when I say its over.

It's over when I say its over. submitted by hullopalooza to dankmemes [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 Maryslamb81 2 edcLV VIP Sat and Sun tickets. Please be considerate and make reasonable offers.

submitted by Maryslamb81 to EDCTickets [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 Blank_eye00 Russia's 'joint statement' on Taliban causes unease for India

Russia's 'joint statement' on Taliban causes unease for India submitted by Blank_eye00 to IndianDefense [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 Particular_Finger_31 Anyone got all the vids? PM me please. All the vids

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2021.10.22 01:24 Salt-Finding Here’s my cover of Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day!!

Here’s my cover of Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day!! submitted by Salt-Finding to coversongs [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 sukebena_nekoyanen 間接キス狙い、鼻出しマスクetc.キャバ嬢が震え上がるコロナ禍ノーモラル客の実態

間接キス狙い、鼻出しマスクetc.キャバ嬢が震え上がるコロナ禍ノーモラル客の実態 submitted by sukebena_nekoyanen to newsokunomoral [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 lucky4lucky Test

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2021.10.22 01:24 BlankVerse Shootout in Mexican tourist hotspot of Tulum leaves two women dead | Women killed were from Germany and India, believed to be caught in crossfire of clash between drug gangs

Shootout in Mexican tourist hotspot of Tulum leaves two women dead | Women killed were from Germany and India, believed to be caught in crossfire of clash between drug gangs submitted by BlankVerse to GunsAreCool [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 MoldFlower476 What's the best response to those "Who's listening to this in 2019/2020/2021?" comments under youtube music videos?

submitted by MoldFlower476 to AskReddit [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 imjustheretodomyjob They really out here disrespecting Señor Freddie

They really out here disrespecting Señor Freddie submitted by imjustheretodomyjob to BlackPeopleTwitter [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 raghureddit1 ETL jobs

Which is the right gcp product to run ETL jobs? I am trying to query a large cloud SQL database every week and store the results in cloud storage. I know we have dataproc, dataflow, dataprep (don't want to use dataprep as it is maintained by Trifacta not Google). Let me know pros and cons of these products.
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2021.10.22 01:24 Suspicious_Dish_2000 Really need advice I don't know what to do

I feel like I'm stuck, I had a few problems when I started college and had to quit, had a little money and was able to make like an Etsy shop but a few years later the situation in my country Venezuela, got worse family members got sick and I had to sell my things and care for them, I have health issues including asthma and a self immune skin disease and because of this I have to work from home, I only have a phone and haven't been able to find a stable job to do with it, bills are piling up I have a brother with a mental illness and an elderly mother, I've tried so hard to find a solution but everything seems out of my reach, the situation with my brother got really bad and he tried to kill me, now I have anxiety and panic attacks and feel like I'm trapped in this never ending loop of bad things, that I'm never going to get out of it and the best thing will be to be dead, I think about dying constantly but I can't leave my mom with everything, maybe someone else's point of view will help, I'm just trying to find a solution.
submitted by Suspicious_Dish_2000 to helpme [link] [comments]

2021.10.22 01:24 Dodge_Viper2015 Does wawa hold a week's pay?

Just wondering because I'm broke as hell lmao. I worked last friday through sunday and I gave them my direct deposit info. Am I getting paid later today or next week?
submitted by Dodge_Viper2015 to Wawa [link] [comments]